"How to Navigate the Dating Scene After Divorce: 8 Proven Tips for Finding a Great Match"

I touched base on what life is like post-divorce as a single mom in Dating as a Single Mom can be Fun-or at Least... the down and dirty business of dating in your 30’s let alone with a couple kids in tow. Trust me, I had to kiss a few frogs before I found my prince. At the time (2016/2017) Tinder was swipe crazy! It was the go-to “hook up” dating app that I found to be underwhelming, at best. Message after message of strangle looking guys asking if I wanted to be their “sugar baby” or be treated like a “princess”. Ha. Little did they know, I was seeking a King. Fast forward a few months and my newly connected tinder date was now my official boyfriend. We were both fresh off divorce and had two kids. We were the same age, and both had unresolved relationship trauma to work through.

---

Early on in our relationship, we both set clear boundaries about the kids. That was the easy part. How long to wait to meet them, sleep over arraignments, and when to introduce all the kids to each other. That last part was a little shaky. Unlike adults, kids have this wonderful natural ability to form relationships quickly. For most kids making friends or even best friends all starts will just one common interest, so risking that too early in our adult relationship when it could all go to hell was triggering.  Breaking my heart was one thing, breaking my still recovery child’s heart is a different story. Its risky, and there’s no way of knowing how it will end up. My deep-rooted opinion about taking risks is simple, I can sign up for it, I’m responsible for myself and can navigate the waters to produce a positive outcome, yet placing that burden on my children was a no go zone! They’ll have plenty time into adulthood where they can take their own risk and gain the rewards. So how do you know when to take that risk? I’m going to share what worked for me, early intervention and managing relationship expectations.

1. Early uncomfortable discussions: Set the tone of the relationships early, make them aware you have children, give ages and a little background, but don’t whip out the baby photo albums just yet

2. Get a clear and convincing understanding on the status of your relationship: Are you seeing other people, casually dating, looking for something serious etc. If your relationship isn’t worth defining 5, 6, 7 even 8 weeks in, that’s a red flag.

3. Go on lots of dates in a short amount of time: not saying that time is being wasted, but when you’re a single mom dating in your 30’s, you might want to expedite the shy phase. Go on weekday dates, Sunday afternoon dates, public dates, coffee dates. Get to know each other well.

4. Set strong parenting boundaries: My husband still makes fun of me 8 years later because I once cut our phone conversation short by telling him I had to go put the kids to bed. Starting a new relationship can be thrilling however, in this stage, you’re a parent first and shouldn’t let one person monopolize all your time.

5. Have good conversations about your timeline: come to an agreement when the kids should meet each other, set a date and work from there.

6. Meet each other’s kids first: keep it light and brief, maybe meet at a park, stop by the house and say hi. I met my stepdaughter for the first time when we met for lunch on a Monday afternoon near my workplace. She was none the wiser about who I was.

7. Be honest about your past failed relationships: we’re to old to be sugarcoating what went wrong in past relationships. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, share your growth, and what still needs work.

8. Finances: This is a big one. I was financially abused in my first marriage. I have naturally built walls to protect myself from being in that state, but I was upfront with this with my husband. We shared our fears. He also had huge reservations about partnering with someone who was financially irresponsible. We both used our time together to watch how we spent money and paid our bills. We had tough discussions early on, who pays what, how our money will be saved, and we both agreed, both of us will continue to work full-time. To this day, we keep separate accounts.

And lastly, family obligations. I’m sure more than most of us have had our share of nightmare MIL, toxic siblings, drama filled family events leading to stress cracks in the relationship. My first introduction to my future MIL was in her home in the early morning as I did the walk of shame through the kitchen, like some 18-year-old, I was 33. I realized, post-divorce, that my family played a role in the dissolving of my marriage. Maybe not directly, but on a subconscious level. I was dead set on not allowing that to happen again. Keeping your relationship private is not the same as isolating yourself from family and friends. Your new romance will be tested, the trick is to already have a plan with your partner! Plan out annual family events ahead of time and be very clear when delivering that news to your family members. Take a “No trash talking” pledge. Stop sharing private disagreements with your mom or sister. Stop seeking validation from people who have biases. This will only breed resentment for your partner.

Treat yourself with respect

Listen, this is a lot!  You may be thinking, there are far too many hoops to jump to promote a successful post-divorce relationship. You may be thinking, I need to put my kids first, I need to figure out my own life before juggling any more balls (no pun intended) but hey, at the end of the day- your happiness is what will shine bright on the dark days and this is what your children will see as well. After you take some time to clear your mind, drink several bottles of chardonnay, get a bad hair cut and cry yourself to sleep for a week straight- there’s hope. If you listen to your gut and tune into what your soul needs (not wants) but I mean, I’m not going to judge if you go through your “Lustful Lucy stage.” Stop and really think about what you’re looking for. I made a physical list of characteristics and physical traits and I scored 8/10! Be open, but don’t set the bar out of reach, look for trustworthiness and honesty. Those are building blocks my friend. Not until those milestones are met should a new partner be introduced to your children. Have the hard conversations first and most importantly, treat yourself with respect. You’re a grown woman first, mother second.

Learn more about me